Dark Rising: Bring Your Battle Axe

DarkRisingPosterLandy Cannon as Jason Parks
Jay Reso as Ricky
Bridgitte Kingsley as Summer Vale
Julia Schneider as Renee Phillips

While I don’t hate teen movies the way some do, I do feel as though some have a definite focus on the least common denominator. And don’t think it’s just age, either. I remember reaching this conclusion at the age of seventeen, well within my adolescence. Dark Rising: Bring Your Battle Axe is a textbook example of such a movie. It may be the stupidest movie I have yet reviewed. Sure I have reviewed numerous worse ones (incompetence and stupidity are not the same thing), But none so devoid of intelligence as to make me so feel that I’m too smart to be watching this. Or am I? I did watch the whole thing, after all.


Go ahead. Laugh.

Our story opens with an annoying young man named Jason who brings some friends on a camping trip This leads to some extremely unfunny comedy. For instance, Jason is still in love with an ex named Jasmine who turns out to be a lesbian with a girlfriend. You know, these lesbian sex jokes are really getting old, and should give you an idea of this film’s comedic wit. Also, another friend of Jason’s, Ricky, turns out to be a cartoonishly insensitive dude. But don’t worry if you think its just the comedy that’s lame and predictable. As hinted by the fact that they’re camping, you can also expect a whole bunch of horror cliches.

One of the campers received The Book of Shadows from a bookkeeper, and accidentally releases an obvious man in a costume (to be fair, this is an obviously low-budget production), er, monster from another dimension. She also releases a warrior princess named Summer Vale, whose role is to get convenient amnesia, kick ass, and play to male sexual fantasies.

Because of the "Sexual fantasies" part, don't expect much of this helmet.

Because of the “Sexual fantasies” part, don’t expect much of this helmet.

Another issue I have is with the annoying musical score. It’s full of awful “pop” songs. Why do they have to be everywhere, even at the Super Bowl? I should note that I can recall movies that made decent use of this kind of music, but Dark Rising isn’t among them.

Surprisingly, the acting is acceptable, despite traces of Canadian accents here and there. Still, it’s alright. Alas, that’s like the best thing in the movie.

Isn't it great when eyes look rock-hard?

Isn’t it great when eyes look rock-hard?

Some movies you can watch and feel that even if you personally disliked them, they would at least appeal to a certain demographic. Dark Rising: Bring Your Battle Axe is not one of them. What I see online indicates a negative consensus. As for me, I am absolutely certain I wouldn’t have liked it, even as a teen. It’s dumb, trite, awfully plotted, and predictable. Avoid.

Overall: 3 out of 10


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